In the life of every parent, there comes a time when any suggestions, requests, and instructions come across an uncompromising children’s “I don’t want it! I won’t do this!” Psychologists are sure that the frequency of meetings with such crises in the life of a child is largely dependent on the parents’ reaction to this resistance.
When the child refuses to fulfill the request, or follow the advice, the most important thing for the parent is to understand the reason for the refusal. Only by understanding the reasons, it is possible to decide how to react correctly and, ultimately, to win a pedagogical victory. Which, by the way, does not necessarily consist of insisting on one’s own at all costs: you can and should negotiate with your child.
The motives for refusal can be caused by the age and individual needs of the child, but in general, they come down to three main points.
· There is a real, significant reason for the child to disagree.
· Refusal as a test of the parent’s strength: what will happen if I do not agree?
· The desire of the child to be the main in relations with elders: it will be the way I want!
A few simple steps will help you identify the motive. Firstly, it is important to recognize the child’s right to an alternative point of view: “I see, you do not agree with me.” Secondly, show that there are options: “Probably you want to do something different. Let’s discuss everything and make a decision together.” Remember how hard it is to learn what to say on tinder. One day, all of us will meet the necessity to calm down our children and do it with respect and patience towards them.
· Excessive sharpness can negate all pedagogical maneuvers
An important point: these phrases should not contain interrogative intonation. We do not doubt anything but simply state the facts, thereby emphasizing that control over the situation is in our hands. Most likely, the child will not be ready for discussion. The parent’s task is to offer him options, tell about them, and make a decision himself, using the pronoun “we.” Even if the baby just nods, it sees an example, gets constructive experience.
· If at this stage the situation is not resolved, most likely the child is testing you for strength.
In this case, it is important to outline the boundaries of the situation and your attitude to it as briefly and clearly as possible – but not to the child!
For example: “In our family, it is customary to clean up after ourselves. Therefore, after 15 minutes, your toys should not be in the living room. If this does not happen, I will have to collect them and take them to the playground. Other children will be happy to disassemble them. I will be very sad if I have to do this.”
Border designation is not a threat or blackmail – it is important to choose the right words and intonation.
· If such a scenario did not work, it is likely that the child managed to grow into the Great Sicker and establishes power over you.
Most likely, he has a reason for this: once you gave slack and did not fulfill your intentions. If you start to take the toys to the site, Sick can throw a real tantrum. In this case, it is important to remain calm, politely but firmly show that you will not give up on your intentions. Quietly, not ostentatiously, collect the toys in a bag and place them at the door. Take the child in your arms or sit face to face with it, hug, wipe the tears off. Show it your love, acceptance, and lack of aggression.
Say, “I see how upset you are. I’m also very sorry that everything turned out that way. Let’s try to fix it. Do you need my help?” The child itself (even with your help) must take the toys to the room. The situation can be completed as follows: “It is good that we managed to agree and put things in order.” If similar situations arise, it is worth acting in the same way.
The most important thing in the proposed scenario is that you do not let the situation go out of control, and the child gets a constructive experience that will help it act in similar situations in the future. What is important is your self-control and willingness to compromise, as well as the sequence of actions and the repetition.
It is better to master this technique as soon as possible: if a Naughty preschooler learns this experience, it will be much easier to negotiate with a Naughty teenager. All problems come from upbringing or the lack of it. Every day you do steps to grow a confident and smart adult. Do not fall to the child’s manipulation, otherwise, this will not lead to anything good. Be a good example for your small kids and think about what they will learn from your deeds. Teach the child to behave since childhood so that he saves up on a therapist when it turns 20.